Book, words, and music copyright 1988 by Daniel E. Biemer



This is Planet Earth.

Age: Four and a half billion years.

Weight: Six and a half sextillion tons.

Most Valuable Resource: Women.

But little do the inhabitants know they are in mortal danger! For, just 155 million miles further out, lies the sinister red planet known as Mars! And we all know Mars needs women.

Who can save Earth from this horrible alien menace? No one but that champion of justice and clean living, Rick Cosmos! With Stella Starbeam Jones, the World's Most Beautiful Girl, Doctor Julius Fizzenzap, the World's Most Brilliant Scientist, and Tommy Jones, the World's Most Maladjusted Youth, who even at this very moment is deep in the heart of a video arcade somewhere in Iowa, getting the all time high score on "Space Blasters."

Welcome to the fantasy world of Tommy Jones, a young teen who lives on a farm with his boring parents and his big sister Stella who has problems with men. Watch as their stereotyped gender fantasies evolve into… something else.

In Act I, Martians infiltrate a Halloween Party at Miss Fillyfaddle's School for Girls, substituting disco for the usual Polka, distracting Rick Cosmos with a sultry android Decoy and kidnapping the ladies under his very nose! But the Martians are really kind of cool. And their general, Astro, seems genuinely devoted to Stella. As Rick and the Grand High Muck-Muck of Mars engage in a climactic battle, Rick shoots Astro, bringing the stereotyped action to a screeching halt.

In Act II we try desperately to salvage a happy ending. Doctor Fizzenzap is paired up with the Decoy, the Martians get the girls by disguising themselves with a Hypno-Ray, and Stella and Astro try to plan a life together in the face of species prejudice. And then there's Rick. He's not happy, so he exposes the Martians and saves the day. Now they're not happy. In fact, Stella is outraged. She decides to leave Earth for Mars. Inspired by her example, the girls and Martians get back together and the Grand High Muck-Muck confesses his secret love for Miss Fillyfaddle. Now everybody's happy. Except Rick. Time for a climactic showdown on Mars as Rick confronts the evil Martians and demands the return of the Earth women. Good thing heroes never die. Except in video games, of course.

In the words of Mrs. Jones, "Things don't often come to nice neat little ends in life, Tommy - but if you're lucky, you can swing a finale."